I think we could build a case that the biggest difference between the most successful highest performers in the world and everyone else, is that they have learned to individualize the changes they make and the improvements that they set in motion.

They are also different in the way they learn and how they instinctively want to apply the learning. That’s a huge difference between the best performers and all the rest. They link learning and initiative. The rest of the world seems engulfed in information.

The illusion we have is that information is knowledge and that is growth. It’s neither knowledge nor growth. As we’re learning things, we have to make these things our own. In what ways might they improve our life? our difference making? How could they uplift the people around us in the bigger world? We have to be testing that. We’re pilot testers and almost all human beings miss that.

We are each a one of a kind human being. There’s never been another you, and there never will be again. That neuro individuality or bio individuality needs to be honored. So just because something worked for someone else, doesn’t mean it will work for you.

There’s a lot of noise and information about one size fits all programs and strategies. An example of this might be diets or fitness programs as well as countless others. Do this, do that, and it worked for this person therefore it must work for all…. It might have worked for someone else as an individual, but programs are often promoted as if they will work for all of us the same way, and it doesn’t.So it increases the frustration.

We have all kinds of slippage and failures along the way. But if only we pause to adjust these ideas and strategies to our unique goals, our unique temperament, drive, purpose, missions and life priorities; then we might make it fit to us. Adjust it. Test it. Sense, “Is this better for me?”

All the the highest performers and teams across all kinds of industries and professions, do this testing and tailoring of everything. In moments, they just become more curious, how might this work for me? Where might I be able to test it first? How would I know if it’s working or not?

I had a conversation this week about someone I care about, but who was behaving in a way that was frustrating and a little disappointing.

“They are who, who they are. You can’t change them, so you have to accept them as they are,” was the advice that was given. To me this seemed like a dangerous mindset and something worth digging deeper into.

Most of the psychology and neuroscience that I’ve learned is from Exclusivia contributing experts Dr. Bill, Dr. Gino Collura, and Dr Robert Cooper. It has helped me rationalize this mindset and think about how we can approach change and growth.

The first point, is in dealing with ourselves. Most of our identity and behavior tends to result from the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Some of these stories are imprinted in us as children at a very young age, but often we keep repeating these stories throughout our entire lives without much thought or self examination. “I am smart. I am dumb. I am headstrong. I am not good with people. I am a good friend. I am ___________.” Unfortunately when we tell ourselves these stories, they often become self fulfilling prophecies that unfold almost subconsciously. Whether the stories are entirely true or not.

This mindset also abdicates the responsibility for growth, self-reflection, and personal change.
” I am Who I am. I will always be this way. Everyone around me had better accept it or it’s their problem. ”

Again a very dangerous, but easy mindset to have. I’ve heard Dr Cooper speak many times on how the brain is hardwired to fight change. Change is hard work. The brain really doesn’t want to do hard work on it’s own. It wants to conserve energy so we can survive. Without careful examination, this leaves us stuck in pattern of repeating our same habits, same behaviors, even thinking the same things. Surviving perhaps, but definitely not thriving or growing into our own best lives.

The 2nd major point I wanted to address is change in others. I’m not referencing manipulation or Pavlovian behavior change techniques, but addressing behaviors that bother you in a caring, empathetic, and loving way. I believe it is ok to say to those that we love, “I love you, but when you do this behavior it hurts/bothers me.”

Addressing these issues, this is not a personal attack on their character, but an acknowledgment that the relationship is important you. They are important to you and you want to be closer to them. It’s not easy and requires us to be thoughtful. Yet, if the relationship is important to both people, hopefully meaningful change can be made.

If we think about the people we are closest to: our spouses, our children, our parents, our siblings, and our friends. Those relationships are important, therefore we have a self-responsibility to be willing to examine our own mental models and behavior changes regularly, and asking others to do the same. I can’t help but wonder how many marriages would be saved or improved, how many parents would be closer to their adult children, and how many sibling relationships would be greatly improved is we could all pause and do the hard work necessary instead of just saying, “I am who I am.”

The very first sentence of Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Life is “It’s Not About You.” If you read this line and nothing else, that would be enough to change your life. Since reading that, it’s been a resounding theme throughout my life.

Everyone should re-read that line and remind themselves of this every day. So many people feel lost. Many of them young men chasing their careers and money. If we think about others, help others, and put the needs of others first we will have a life full of purpose and full of meaning.

At the end of each month, I spend time grading myself on 5 key pillars of my life. Faith, Family, Fitness, Finances, and Fun. I call them my 5 F’s. A long time ago I identified these 5 F’s as the most important things to my own best life.

1. Faith- Am I putting God first as a priority? Am I making the time to practice my spirituality daily.

2. Family- I talk to each of my adult children every day. I cherish those relationships and need to make sure that I continue put the time and energy into the people I care about.

3. Fitness- I work out everyday and have for almost my entire life. First of all, I enjoy it. Also staying fit, gives me the energy and health to continue to support the rest of my life.

4. Finances- Controlling my finances gives me the capability to help others. I don’t feel the need to acquire wealth, money is just a tool that enables me to do so, and therefore I must be mindful of it.

5. Fun-Life should be enjoyed. Laugh. Eat with friends. Go on adventures. Travel. Fun needs to be a part of our daily lives.

Grading myself each month on these 5 pillars gives me a sense of accountability and balance. If I look on the month and come to the realization that I am neglecting one of my core pillars, I know that I’m not living my life that way I want and I need to strive to do better. This requires me to be honest with myself, which is not always easy for a person to do. But if I’m serious about continuing to be better, it’s an essential part of my journey.

If you track through a busy day of the highest performers in the world. They are making breakthroughs and succeeding at measurably higher levels than everyone else. They make it look easy, and everyone observes and questions how they do it.

A big part of it, is they move through every single day with this awareness and this curiosity about what is possible here. What is possible in this interaction? this choice? this moment? this day? this week? This type of curiosity in neuroscience is so powerful. We call it the need for cognition.

We need more of it every single day. So we can sense deeper to be able to see what other people don’t and see what might be possible uniquely for us to make more of a difference, to have a better life along the way. Yet, too often, we miss it.

So set that reminder to pause ahead of each decision and each interaction, to ask “What is possible and what truly matters?”

Physicality plays an important role for men in producing the best versions of themselves, so they can be better husbands, fathers, and friends. If you were to look at the average level of testosterone, of men in the early 1900’s compared to now, it has dropped significantly, Why is that? Lack of activity, lack of mobility, lack of getting up, going out, and doing something.

What can we do about it?
So first and foremost, get in the gym. I don’t care what that looks like for you. Different people like to work out in different ways. It doesn’t matter, we carry so much stress nowadays and it’s not just about the aesthetic, it’s about what’s happening neuro hormonally. You need to burn those stress hormones! cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine.
You’ve got to give your body an opportunity to release endorphins, which helps to create homeostasis. That’s number one.

Number two is to find something where you can have camaraderie with other men. I encourage a lot of the men I speak with to do combat sports. And it doesn’t mean that you need to become a UFC fighter.

But the main point is that they are doing something that exercises all 4 areas: Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Social. You want those four things to be satisfied with whatever your chosen activity is. I wrote my PHD dissertation on PTSD and ability to process stress. The importance of having physical camaraderie to process trauma and stress is by far the greatest solution that exists.

I believe all of the problems that we face require an interdisciplinary approach to solving. No one skill or idea tackles the complexity of life. We need to encourage the development of individual unique talents in individuals and even our children. Let them find what they are good at and then bring those skills together across different disciplines.

The hardest part of creativity is overcoming the status quo and saying “What if We? How Could We? How Might We?”

This requires immense courage. The willingness to stick our necks out and potentially look foolish or make mistakes. In a group setting like with the Imagineers, there had to a culture of trust so they could have this courage to take chances.

When I was younger, I didn’t get a lot of formal education. Most of the things I learned were hard-won from just working hard and making mistakes. I’ve made my share of them and one thing I’ve learned is how important it is to seek out the insights of people with more life experience then me. Today I am much more intentional about seeking out people with experience so I can learn from them and perhaps avoid some of the mistakes that I may make on my own.

A mentor and good of mine once told that you shouldn’t think of your home as a financial investment.
It’s supposed to be your refuge. Your retreat. The place where you and your family feel safe so that you can refresh, re-change, and re-focus.
This was something very powerful for me to hear him say and I think something that would help others. The demands of life and business can really pull at all of us. So setting up our home environment in a way that gives us the space and privacy that we need to relax will help us to live our best lives.
This doesn’t mean the home needs to be overly large or overly extravagant. It just needs to be our own comfortable place to shut out the noise of the world for a while. When I go home, my mind set completely changes. I turn off the work mode, and it’s time for family.
It’s a mindset shift that is liberating. I believe it makes me better in the other areas of my life as well.