I think we could build a case that the biggest difference between the most successful highest performers in the world and everyone else, is that they have learned to individualize the changes they make and the improvements that they set in motion.

They are also different in the way they learn and how they instinctively want to apply the learning. That’s a huge difference between the best performers and all the rest. They link learning and initiative. The rest of the world seems engulfed in information.

The illusion we have is that information is knowledge and that is growth. It’s neither knowledge nor growth. As we’re learning things, we have to make these things our own. In what ways might they improve our life? our difference making? How could they uplift the people around us in the bigger world? We have to be testing that. We’re pilot testers and almost all human beings miss that.

We are each a one of a kind human being. There’s never been another you, and there never will be again. That neuro individuality or bio individuality needs to be honored. So just because something worked for someone else, doesn’t mean it will work for you.

There’s a lot of noise and information about one size fits all programs and strategies. An example of this might be diets or fitness programs as well as countless others. Do this, do that, and it worked for this person therefore it must work for all…. It might have worked for someone else as an individual, but programs are often promoted as if they will work for all of us the same way, and it doesn’t.So it increases the frustration.

We have all kinds of slippage and failures along the way. But if only we pause to adjust these ideas and strategies to our unique goals, our unique temperament, drive, purpose, missions and life priorities; then we might make it fit to us. Adjust it. Test it. Sense, “Is this better for me?”

All the the highest performers and teams across all kinds of industries and professions, do this testing and tailoring of everything. In moments, they just become more curious, how might this work for me? Where might I be able to test it first? How would I know if it’s working or not?

I had a conversation this week about someone I care about, but who was behaving in a way that was frustrating and a little disappointing.

“They are who, who they are. You can’t change them, so you have to accept them as they are,” was the advice that was given. To me this seemed like a dangerous mindset and something worth digging deeper into.

Most of the psychology and neuroscience that I’ve learned is from Exclusivia contributing experts Dr. Bill, Dr. Gino Collura, and Dr Robert Cooper. It has helped me rationalize this mindset and think about how we can approach change and growth.

The first point, is in dealing with ourselves. Most of our identity and behavior tends to result from the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. Some of these stories are imprinted in us as children at a very young age, but often we keep repeating these stories throughout our entire lives without much thought or self examination. “I am smart. I am dumb. I am headstrong. I am not good with people. I am a good friend. I am ___________.” Unfortunately when we tell ourselves these stories, they often become self fulfilling prophecies that unfold almost subconsciously. Whether the stories are entirely true or not.

This mindset also abdicates the responsibility for growth, self-reflection, and personal change.
” I am Who I am. I will always be this way. Everyone around me had better accept it or it’s their problem. ”

Again a very dangerous, but easy mindset to have. I’ve heard Dr Cooper speak many times on how the brain is hardwired to fight change. Change is hard work. The brain really doesn’t want to do hard work on it’s own. It wants to conserve energy so we can survive. Without careful examination, this leaves us stuck in pattern of repeating our same habits, same behaviors, even thinking the same things. Surviving perhaps, but definitely not thriving or growing into our own best lives.

The 2nd major point I wanted to address is change in others. I’m not referencing manipulation or Pavlovian behavior change techniques, but addressing behaviors that bother you in a caring, empathetic, and loving way. I believe it is ok to say to those that we love, “I love you, but when you do this behavior it hurts/bothers me.”

Addressing these issues, this is not a personal attack on their character, but an acknowledgment that the relationship is important you. They are important to you and you want to be closer to them. It’s not easy and requires us to be thoughtful. Yet, if the relationship is important to both people, hopefully meaningful change can be made.

If we think about the people we are closest to: our spouses, our children, our parents, our siblings, and our friends. Those relationships are important, therefore we have a self-responsibility to be willing to examine our own mental models and behavior changes regularly, and asking others to do the same. I can’t help but wonder how many marriages would be saved or improved, how many parents would be closer to their adult children, and how many sibling relationships would be greatly improved is we could all pause and do the hard work necessary instead of just saying, “I am who I am.”

The very first sentence of Rick Warren’s book, The Purpose Driven Life is “It’s Not About You.” If you read this line and nothing else, that would be enough to change your life. Since reading that, it’s been a resounding theme throughout my life.

Everyone should re-read that line and remind themselves of this every day. So many people feel lost. Many of them young men chasing their careers and money. If we think about others, help others, and put the needs of others first we will have a life full of purpose and full of meaning.

At the end of each month, I spend time grading myself on 5 key pillars of my life. Faith, Family, Fitness, Finances, and Fun. I call them my 5 F’s. A long time ago I identified these 5 F’s as the most important things to my own best life.

1. Faith- Am I putting God first as a priority? Am I making the time to practice my spirituality daily.

2. Family- I talk to each of my adult children every day. I cherish those relationships and need to make sure that I continue put the time and energy into the people I care about.

3. Fitness- I work out everyday and have for almost my entire life. First of all, I enjoy it. Also staying fit, gives me the energy and health to continue to support the rest of my life.

4. Finances- Controlling my finances gives me the capability to help others. I don’t feel the need to acquire wealth, money is just a tool that enables me to do so, and therefore I must be mindful of it.

5. Fun-Life should be enjoyed. Laugh. Eat with friends. Go on adventures. Travel. Fun needs to be a part of our daily lives.

Grading myself each month on these 5 pillars gives me a sense of accountability and balance. If I look on the month and come to the realization that I am neglecting one of my core pillars, I know that I’m not living my life that way I want and I need to strive to do better. This requires me to be honest with myself, which is not always easy for a person to do. But if I’m serious about continuing to be better, it’s an essential part of my journey.

If you track through a busy day of the highest performers in the world. They are making breakthroughs and succeeding at measurably higher levels than everyone else. They make it look easy, and everyone observes and questions how they do it.

A big part of it, is they move through every single day with this awareness and this curiosity about what is possible here. What is possible in this interaction? this choice? this moment? this day? this week? This type of curiosity in neuroscience is so powerful. We call it the need for cognition.

We need more of it every single day. So we can sense deeper to be able to see what other people don’t and see what might be possible uniquely for us to make more of a difference, to have a better life along the way. Yet, too often, we miss it.

So set that reminder to pause ahead of each decision and each interaction, to ask “What is possible and what truly matters?”

Physicality plays an important role for men in producing the best versions of themselves, so they can be better husbands, fathers, and friends. If you were to look at the average level of testosterone, of men in the early 1900’s compared to now, it has dropped significantly, Why is that? Lack of activity, lack of mobility, lack of getting up, going out, and doing something.

What can we do about it?
So first and foremost, get in the gym. I don’t care what that looks like for you. Different people like to work out in different ways. It doesn’t matter, we carry so much stress nowadays and it’s not just about the aesthetic, it’s about what’s happening neuro hormonally. You need to burn those stress hormones! cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine.
You’ve got to give your body an opportunity to release endorphins, which helps to create homeostasis. That’s number one.

Number two is to find something where you can have camaraderie with other men. I encourage a lot of the men I speak with to do combat sports. And it doesn’t mean that you need to become a UFC fighter.

But the main point is that they are doing something that exercises all 4 areas: Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Social. You want those four things to be satisfied with whatever your chosen activity is. I wrote my PHD dissertation on PTSD and ability to process stress. The importance of having physical camaraderie to process trauma and stress is by far the greatest solution that exists.

If you ask the average man, “are you lonely?” He’s gonna say, “No, I’ve got my people at work, I’ve got my people at home.ect..”

But who do you open up your heart to and who do you pour vulnerability into? Who do you feel comfortable enough and confident enough that no matter what, they’re not gonna judge me no matter what? Those are the questions men should be asking about who fits those definitions in their lives

From a hardcore, humanistic, evolutionary perspective, we are tribal. For thousands of years, humans were hunter gathers that lived in communal areas like tepee or caves with 4-10 families. The men would go out and hunt, The women were staying back with the children, taking care of things. But men were out there doing life and death stuff.
When you look at the military community, why is it the camaraderie is so tight between combat veterans? Because of what they have been through together.

It’s no different today, but thing is that the average male in a first world, country nowadays does not have those sorts of relationships. There’s no forging of a fire that required to build those relationships of trust and deeper understanding.
So when we have “acquaintances” and “friends”. But it doesn’t mean that we would sit in a foxhole with them. It doesn’t mean that we would go to war with them. It’s a convenient relationship at the time.
It checks a box. But it doesn’t mean I have that true brotherhood, that true connection. So that’s a huge thing that’s missing nowadays, camaraderie amongst men.

Everyone knows that men are from Mars or women are from Venus. There’s a reason why that book was so popular. Today there’s a very real need for this idea of reconnection because we live in a state of connected disconnection.

We are more connected now more than ever, no time in history. But we are more lonely. We have more mental health challenges, and divorce rates are higher than ever. Including mental health issues in our youth. This manifests in bullying, what’s going on with active shooters, what’s going on with kids, self-esteem, suicide as well, and then you see the same thing with husbands and wives.

How is it that they’re gonna get through tomorrow, when just getting through today is a battle? It’s a battle for everybody, but if we can just equip ourselves with the positive side of why did I choose my partner and why did they choose me? How do I honor that? How do I nurture that? How do I give back to that to make us the best version of us? We can be so we can be the best parents that we could be because they go hand in hand.

What does honoring my wife truly mean? Well, what work have you done to master yourself, so that in the process of honoring her, you’re also not putting her down with your own insecurities?

We all have our own blind spots and our own gaps and understanding that is just as important as the words that are coming out of your mouth towards her. What are the words that you’re telling yourself every day as an affirmation to understand the quality of human being and the quality of man that you are? Because if you don’t have a sound understanding of you of who you are, you’ll not be able to be the type of partner she needs.

Do you find your identity based off of a dollar amount that you make a year? Or off of social clout?

Most men do, but this is not going to be what the people who love the most would say about you if you weren’t there. This is big a problem. Most men have this challenge because we’re always grinding and hustling. We’re doing our thing right? And we get home and we just want to chill like it’s our sanctuary and place of peace. And this idea of got to do this, got to do that, starts the compound. And when it compounds, that stress builds.
It will affect your ability to communicate effectively in a way that honors your wife.
Instead put in the effort to work on yourself. Understand who you are as a man. And think about how you’re communicating with her. If you do this hopefully it will influence how you both respond to each other.

That’s leadership in the home.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the power of incentives and how they shape our behavior and the world around us. I’ve been asking myself, what is the incentive behind (person,system, decision) ect? Just asking this question let’s me think about things a bit more rationally and clearly if I have an understanding of what is shaping the behavior of those around.

Rational decision making is vitally important, yet we are anything but rational. If we look deeply at human pyschology and behavior, we can see that the power of incentives is one of the largest driving forces shaping the world around us and even impacting our own thinking.
“The chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.” – Warren Buffett

Incentives are incredibly powerful and potentially dangerous because of they shape systems or influence our own thinking in ways that not easily detected, difficult to predict, and almost impossible to change once the system is built. It can cause us to rationalize immoral behavior that in a stand along situation would thought to be grossly misguided.
The goal of this piece is to highlight how incentives are at work and by providing some examples. Perhaps by peeling back the layers and exposing incentives at work, we can understand how and why human behavior is how it is.

Corporate and Business Incentives
Incentive: Leaders of publically traded companies are judged by how well their stock performs. Stock performance is based upon the company’s ability to make money, which is reported in quarterly earnings. Seems like a logical incentive structure, encourage CEO’s to have their company do well on a regular basis. Good CEO’s and good company’s will be rewarded
Unintended Consequence: This can create the incentive for CEO’s to focus short term, neglecting long term investment necessary for the future of the business. It can also create intense short term pressure to “meet the numbers” quarterly, which might lead to questionable accounting practices or other immoral behavior… See Enron, GE, or any number of corporate cases where the numbers didn’t quite match reality.

Sales
Incentive: Salespeople are paid commission for the sale of products. They are motivated to make money and thus work hard.
Unintended Consequence: Can create the incentive for immoral behavior. Some examples: Wells Fargo employees opening fake accounts to meet their sales numbers. Countless cases of immoral Insurance salesmen on everything selling bad companies with higher commission to taking advantage of the elderly, ect.

Political System
Incentive: Politicians need to get re-elected repeatedly in the US or any democracy. This allows citizens to vote out bad politicians.
Unintended Consequence: It makes it difficult for politicians to make meaningful, difficult, long-term decisions because they are always involved in a popularity contest for their job. Would you do anything difficult or unpopular if your livelihood would end in 2, 4, or 6 years? This incentive creates lifelong politicians who do not accomplish much.
Politicians are also responsible for allocating tax dollars, if you had to win a popularity contest might you be tempted to allocate money to the causes that might help you win that popularity contest. Like a 6th grade class president candidate who promises unlimited recess and ice cream for lunch.

Investment and Finance Space
Incentive: Managers of Private Equity, Venture Capital, Mutual Funds are paid fees based on assets under management.
Unintended Consequence: Investment Managers are not incentivized to invest well, they are incentivized to “gather more assets”. More assets=more fees for the manager. This creates very average performance on the whole so customers don’t pull their funds and buy index funds to settle for averages. It can also encourage risky or reckless behavior because you get the money and are being paid to invest, whether you have a good investment idea or not.

Media
Incentive: Reporters need access to high profile people.
Unintended Consequence: Are they going to fair in their assessment? Or do they want to keep getting access to the high-profile people? They might not if they’re overly critical (even if it’s true).

Legal
Incentive: Attorneys are usually billed by the hour.
Unintended Consequence: Are they incentivized to conclude legal proceedings as quickly as possible? Or is the temptation to drag out billable hours?

We could exemplify any number of systems that horribly influenced by the power of incentives: Healthcare, Education, social services, …..Bottom line in systems is people show conscious or unconscious bias to those who employ, pay, or feed them. “Who’s bread I eat, his song I sing.”

On an Individual Basis
This also happens to us on the individual level. Incentives can influence our behavior and thoughts without knowing, or worse we rationalize it to ourselves. Examples:

-Instead of seeking truth. Most people spend the majority of their life, looking for information that rationalizes what they already believe to be true.

-The salesmen who sells a low-quality product, might justify it in his mind. Even believing that it’s a great product, when in truth it’s poor. “To the man with a Hammer, everything looks like a nail.”

– We look for reasons to justify the outlandish behavior of the candidate of our aligned political party. “He’s only doing that because the other party is so evil….”

-We talk ourselves into foolish financial, professional, or business decisions because we simply want them to be true. “Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.”- Demosthenes

-The person who behaves slightly immorally, will justify it to themselves to reach their incentive. “I’m entitled to the money, I embezzled.” “Everyone does this in corporate accounting.” “Everyone cheats on their homework and tests.” “All men behave this way….”

We should all take a step back and analyze what is the incentive behind this person, or system? Not all incentives are bad, but it’s incredibly important that we take the time to analyze them so we can approach decisions as rationally as possible.